Our Bodies Are Not Our Own

The other day as I was walking home from work this guy biked past me and shouted "Hey pretty!"

I never know how to react in these circumstances (feeling so flustered and exposed), and so I always react badly. This time I said something like "that's disgusting." Not my finest, I'll admit.

He stopped and asked me to repeat myself ("What did you say, huh?"), shocked that pretty could speak. And I, feeling so awkward and so... ashamed just gave him the finger over my shoulder and kept walking. Of course, as soon as I had done it I regretted it. I mean, why can't I come up with some witty comment? My sister jokingly told me that I should throw my tampon at him uproariously and say "even cotton goes where you cannot!" but I don't think I could ever go through with that.

And his last comment to me is what sealed that impression. After he got the message, so to speak, he responded with "Stupid fucking stuck up little cunt!"

Look, I realize I gave the guy the finger and that was poor on my part. But let's look at the situation. I wasn't even done up and to be honest I think that after a long day at the office I normally look like a dead woman walking. But I think what it really boils down to is that, despite being haggard (or maybe because of it) it was in that moment that I felt that my body was not my own and so I reacted in anger. My body was for someone else to judge, rate, comment on, and possibly even do with as they please, despite my concent. And when it was clear that his behaviour was not consensual I was suddenly unattractive and the lowest of low.

Listen guys, it's not a compliment even if that's how you mean it. It's street harassment and I don't want it. Here is an infographic (not of my making) that explains it better than the above td;lr:

The above image is, can you believe it, from Playboy. Well done Playboy.

Growing Up Female

Yesterday I went to see the Jays and Yankees play. I've never been to a baseball game and I can't say  really saw much of it.



I've hesitate to put this into words for a number of reasons, namely: a) the internet can be a cruel place b) whatever you say someone will always find you wrong, or wanting c) once you hit "send" it's out there forever.

I have become more and more aware of how badly I interact with men, and how much I abhor male attention. It has gotten to the point where if I'm walking down the street and a man so much as looks at me I feel violated. I feel like those eyes are hands and no amount of "No" will make them stop.

What frustrates me the most is that I don't know how to formulate a good response to these attentions. I frown, I make comments under my breath, I sometimes call the perps out right then and there but how is this helping me, or helping other women? I just get so frustrated, so outraged and so angered that I let myself get carried away. But are these emotions justified? Even if I were to be hit on by a charming, attractive guy I would still freeze up and feel threatened.

I am beginning to view every man as a threat, as someone who will disregard my own wishes to fulfill their own. Is this fair? No. But I've been in too many situations where simple friendliness is taken as interest, where I have to belong to someone else to no longer be on someone's radar, where I have absolutely no autonomy of my own.

The reasons for this sort of reaction don't exactly add up. I think what is is that I feel devalued and that I believe men perceive my value or worth as correlative to my sexual easiness. I suppose I feel as though I need to constantly justify myself by playing the prude, which is, in a way, exactly what society has raised me to do. Boys don't like girls who are easy, right?  But you see I don't believe that sexual exploits dictate someone's worth as I am inherently against the entire concept of "slut," so why should this colour my perception? I would hate for anyone to speak of me in these terms, or as if I were some sort of conquest, but maybe it's not up to me to hold anyone accountable.

I know this feeling...this unease is tainted by years of harassment - the special sort you get in the hospitality industry - but I so wish to be able to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I long to feel free of this resentment which my anxiety has been making a constant.

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